Sometimes it just sucks being the friend.
Yes, I asked for it. I desperately wanted it and I still do. But sometimes it really sucks.
It sucks to hear - again - that my friendship is too valued to risk a relationship.
Once. Just once. Just once I need to be the girl who's worth the risk. Just once I would like the guy that I am with to tell me that I am a princess - that I' m beautiful and really, REALLY mean it.
I can't be aloof like the mysterious girls. I'm too affectionate, I love my friends too much. I can't stay away so I'm pulled in too close for anyone to see what I really am - an amazing catch.
I could make them happy. I could be the girl that they need - the one who takes care of them and lets them take care of me. I am a beautiful, strong, intelligent, independent woman.
So why am I still alone.
Don't get me wrong, I love my friends,every single one and I love them to death. But sometimes I just need to be someone's one and only - the most important. The one they think about when they can't sleep or there's a lull in a conversation. When they catch a drift of my perfume walking down the street. When they watch the ocean.
I need to be her.
Every time I seem to mess up. This time I don't understand what went wrong. Things were great. Things were really, truly great. He left because of his problems and now that they are lessened, here I am...still alone.
I don't think I have anything else to say on the subject. The thing is, I am really stumped. I cannot begin to comprehend why I am still not good enough. Still.
What I have now is a dilemma. Do I let my walls down again and chance getting hurt like I have every other time that I've been sure it was safe to do so? Or do I become immune to feeling? Do I become that cynic who doubts every flinch of the soul, every beat of her heart?
I just don't know anymore. And it isn't so much depressing as incredibly disappointing.
The thing is - I should be her. I should be that girl.
